Wednesday's Walk

If you have been reading my blog lately, you know that I have been doing a ton of soul searching.

I have burrowed down and tried to ignore some of the things happening around me. 

This as most of you know is not productive, easy or even possible.

The best way for me is to just get up shake up my big girl pants and face it head on.

Again this is not always easy or even possible. 

Some things just are not able to be met face to face.

Or at least maybe best to leave not met and deal with another way.

This past spring 'a friend' of mine for the most part stopped talking to me. She stopped texting me, (something she did fairly regularily), she stopped facebooking me, in short she just sort of severed communication with me. If I texted her she would respond after a day or two but never initiate  Same with facebook. If I ran into her on the street she would talk to me but it was strained. I honestly had no idea what happened. Another friend of ours and I would talk about it and I would wonder what I did. I mean it all seemed good and then poof it was done. 

Finally this winter I am good friends with her cousin and I asked her if she knew why this other individual was upset with me. Well I am not sure if I am glad she knew and shared or not. :) 

She told me that the reason her cousin no longer wanted to be my friend was because I was mean. 

Well that took me back a bit. I never ever thought of myself as mean. So I asked my friend to clarify. She said that her cousin told her that I would tease her and pick on her. I stopped and realized that yes I guess I did. Well tease her anyway. But honestly in my opinion I tease everyone, mostly myself. I try to make sure or at least I thought I did that I wasn't mean about it. I am more than willing to be teased back and I have been by many people. To me it is honestly a sign of complete friendship. 

To my friend not so much.

Since I found out I have thought about it a lot. Am I a mean person? Did I out of vengeance be mean to her?  Even if I honestly believe that I was not being mean does that excuse my actions?

No it doesn't. I truly ache that I hurt this individual. I wish that she could have seen that I was doing it out of love. I wish she could have looked at all the other million ways I showed her I cared. But most of all I wish she felt she could have came to me and expressed the problem to myself.

I feel like a heel. 

This is in part why I have been so absent the last couple of months. It by far is not the only reason but one of them. 

After Christmas I realized something very important. I am a sinner. I am not perfect. I never will be perfect until I am living in Christ's Kingdom. No matter how hard I try, I am going to mess up. I know this. I know I will never ever achieve perfection no matter how hard I try. I am going to fail. I am going to come up short. 

My daughter shared something with me today. She told me that a 'friend' of hers told her after hanging out with her all day that she no longer wanted to be her friend. 

My response to that was something only God could have put in my mouth. 

I said gee between me being mean and you not being a good friend, it is a good thing we have Christ on our sides.

Which it is.

There is always going to be someone that doesn't like me. Or sadly her. There is always going to be ways that we fall short. That we disappoint. That we prove over and over again that we are not perfect. 

However we have God on our side.

He gets it. He understands. He comforts us. He holds us. He lets us know that no matter what He loves us.

He will always be there for us. He will always be there for us. He wants us. 

To me those are some very comforting thoughts.

I am linking up today with Mary Beth